i forgot how much of a roller coaster living at home is. i forgot that everyone can be completely happy on sunday and then by monday no one is speaking. i forgot that my dad is impossible, my mom is insincere and my brother is disrespectful. i was hoping when i got home that would have all changed but i was wrong. im ready for boston. im ready for friends who take the place of family. im ready for no one constantly looking over my shoulder. im ready for the noise of the city.

cousins.

spent the afternoon with myles & anna. they are cute. myles has a journal and he let me read it. anna has a ton of new toys and she let me play with them.... with out screaming. side walk chalk never fails to be a good time. i havent played in my grandparents yard in such a long time. i always forget how many weird things they have. 1970s boom boxes and a real tin man just to name a few. i didnt even get pictures of the fountain in the front yard. or the face carved into the tree. or the chicken coop in the back yard. summers always a nice break from winter. home is good. family is happy. friends are fun.

changes on a railroad track.

providence train. wireless internet, what? motion sickness caused from sitting backwards. bumpy, choo choo, lurching, locomotive feeling. briefly stopping here, folks. the train is speckled with people - one person in every 4 or 5 seats. the train is littered with yellow punch outs. tickets are yellow? why do they change color? emergency exit, pull handle to remove rubber. please, dont let there be an emergency. black trees damp with rain that have yet to be blooming in glory. leaving suburbia to return to a cold, rainy, wet, sad, gray boston. metal and foggy glass obstructs my view for 2 to 3 seconds. miles and miles of telephone lines, empty fields and forests, neighborhoods and businesses. this route is too familiar. same train, same stops, but so many different me's.

sometimes i wonder what it would be like if there was a machine that could measure the change in me. from this time two years ago to now. i know the change would be large. a skinny white paper would travel out of the mouth of this machine like the coupons and coupons you get attached to your receipt after not shopping at cvs for a while. what would the paper say? have i changed for the better? have i become stronger, older, wiser, more mature?

i hope so.

rachel, stop.

i need to stop falling in love with my friends' old brothers.

i started thinking about how i fall in love so easily, again. i need to stop doing that, too. i need to stop taking love so lightly. i have all these people who i have fallen in love with lately, but i have to one to really love. maybe im doing this all wrong. maybe i dont know what love is. maybe i dont know how to love.

just as that thought was going through my head i decided to pick up this book i started reading about two years ago. and right where i left off there was this:

good god. child. what do you mean you dont know how to love? do you think any of us know how to love? do you think anybody would ever do anything if they waited until they knew how to love? do you think that babies would ever get made or meals cooked or crops planted or books written or what god-damn have you? do you think people would even get out of bed in the morning if they waited until they knew how to love?

anyway, i am listening to all on my itune songs on shuffle. im sick of playlists.

gawd.

i spelled performances wrong. somebody sue me.