changes on a railroad track.

providence train. wireless internet, what? motion sickness caused from sitting backwards. bumpy, choo choo, lurching, locomotive feeling. briefly stopping here, folks. the train is speckled with people - one person in every 4 or 5 seats. the train is littered with yellow punch outs. tickets are yellow? why do they change color? emergency exit, pull handle to remove rubber. please, dont let there be an emergency. black trees damp with rain that have yet to be blooming in glory. leaving suburbia to return to a cold, rainy, wet, sad, gray boston. metal and foggy glass obstructs my view for 2 to 3 seconds. miles and miles of telephone lines, empty fields and forests, neighborhoods and businesses. this route is too familiar. same train, same stops, but so many different me's.

sometimes i wonder what it would be like if there was a machine that could measure the change in me. from this time two years ago to now. i know the change would be large. a skinny white paper would travel out of the mouth of this machine like the coupons and coupons you get attached to your receipt after not shopping at cvs for a while. what would the paper say? have i changed for the better? have i become stronger, older, wiser, more mature?

i hope so.

rachel, stop.

i need to stop falling in love with my friends' old brothers.

i started thinking about how i fall in love so easily, again. i need to stop doing that, too. i need to stop taking love so lightly. i have all these people who i have fallen in love with lately, but i have to one to really love. maybe im doing this all wrong. maybe i dont know what love is. maybe i dont know how to love.

just as that thought was going through my head i decided to pick up this book i started reading about two years ago. and right where i left off there was this:

good god. child. what do you mean you dont know how to love? do you think any of us know how to love? do you think anybody would ever do anything if they waited until they knew how to love? do you think that babies would ever get made or meals cooked or crops planted or books written or what god-damn have you? do you think people would even get out of bed in the morning if they waited until they knew how to love?

anyway, i am listening to all on my itune songs on shuffle. im sick of playlists.

gawd.

i spelled performances wrong. somebody sue me.

offically insane.

i used the sauna.

it was the first thing my mom wanted me to do when we got home, go into the computer room and look at the brand new sauna. "you haveee to try it out later, you just have to."

so after dinner i tired it. i put on a tank and come sweat shorts, stepped into this wooden box and turned on the button. a little beep sounded, on came yoga music and instantly it was 91 degrees.

i laid down, i mean it was a little cramped, but i closed my eyes none the less. for a second i thought, well i guess this is kinda cool. then i hear guns shooting and cars being stolen, pj and his friend are playing video games in the next room over. then my mom turns on the light and starts vaccuming! my dad is in the kitchen emptying the dishwasher and any relaxing moment i thought i might have was gone forever.

i opened the door, a cool gust of wind almost blew me over. "mom?! what are you doing?"

"oh, im sorry, i didnt know you were in there. il vaccum later." she shuts the light off and leaves.

i go back in, resume my position and look to see how many minutes i have left. 19.

i try again to meditate, i try to think of things, i try to think of nothing, i try to remember a mantra. it feels like an eternity has gone by. i look to see how many minutes i have left. 18.

i have to stay in for at least 5 minutes, i tell myself. i give the meditation another shot. then i hear a tapping noise, i dont know if its coming from the heater thing or not. i open my eyes, its my mom. she is holding a flash light up under her chin, smiling and waving.

god, this is annoying. 16.

its now 119 degrees. im not sweating, im not relaxed.

finally, im down.

i turn off the button and step out of this weird wooden heat box and just at the moment when i think i couldnt hate this damn thing more, i remember my mom telling me that my dad goes in naked when no one is home. i forgot to put down a towel.

i hate the sauna.

a sore stomach.

why do we close our eyes when we laugh hard?

i think its like closing your eyes when you are kissing someone you love. or smelling an amazing smell. or making a really meaningful wish. i think laughing really hard is one of those few things in life that you just really need to close you eyes to truly appreciate.

there's nothing like
the deep breaths after
laughing that h a r d.
nothing in the world
like a sore stomach
for the right reasons.
- charlie

gorgeous.

the weather is beautiful.
spring is officially here.
i have no more tests to study for until finals.
the bang! fliers came out awesome.
i'm going home for the weekend, which i am actually looking forward to.
people are happy here.
the boys are back in town.
my paper is almost done.
dinner at bon appetite was actually really delicious.
im glad nick landry won mr. emmanuel.
i am getting a ginormous pay check tomorrow (ginormous = $250)
birds are chirping.
i am spending the night drinking wine and watching the baseball game with my friends.
i already exercised this morning.
i got a smoothie this afternoon.
boston smells better than it usually does.
i have a lot of exciting things to do for the last few weekends of school.
the grass seems greener on my side.

unsubscribing.

dear itunes, victoria's secret, netflix, amazon, gap, borders, allposters, bath and body works and wall street journal,

i am seriously thinking of unsubscribing myself. you do sometimes send me great discounts and, i mean, it would be one thing it i received an email from you every other week, or even once a week, but almost every day? come on! not only do i not need to buy the new tuesday music, or the favorite books of the year or the sexiest swim suits of the season, but i do not have the money. when i sign on to my email account and see that i have 8 new emails and its not even 9 in the morning, i think, emails from my family?, emails from my friends?, the position i applied to is letting me know i got the job?, or maybe i even have a new friend request. but no, they are glorified flyers, reminding me of how much clutter there is in the world and how hard it is to get through the morning with out an advertising scheme starring you in the eye. either slow down on the permission marketing or i am going to remove myself from the mailing list.

sincerely,
rcd826